The first time I shot dope, the last time I had my sanity

TRIGGER WARNING

Well, what's the worst thing that could happen?

I thought to myself as I got in my uber. We started off towards downtown, a route I would learn like the back of my hand. Dozing in and out of consciousness, I woke up as the driver announced we had arrived. I stepped out into the brisk night air, feeling more energized as the temperature woke me. I was incredibly drunk, fighting the urge to pass out. 

My normal routine had been compromised due to my drug dealer getting arrested. I had been doing cocaine for years now, almost daily. That night I learned of my dealer's demise and didn’t know what to do. My mind was racing, and like always I found a solution. I had met someone in county jail one year before but we hadn’t spoken since. After searching for his information online, I found him and called.

To my delight, he answered and gave me an address. Before hanging up, he simply said

I can get you right, but it wont be what you’re used to

I knew what that meant, I didn’t care. In the midst of addiction, you take what you can get.

I had done meth before, I was doing it a couple times a year leading up to this night. It had never spiraled out of control, because I always had access to cocaine. Back to the story, it gets juicy.

Let’s call him Jonathan, for the sake of anonymity. After getting out of the uber, I met Jonathan on the corner. We made small talk for a few minutes, talking about how the past year went, my employment, his homelessness, and many other things. He reiterated that he can bring me to get some stuff, but it won’t be what I’m used to. I told him I’d done meth before and wasn’t concerned, as long as it could wake me up. The drunkenness was intense, I was crashing hard.

He brought me a few blocks away to an apartment building, and took me up the stairs to the top floor. It was a 4 story building next to a park close to downtown Minneapolis. It was a dingy poorly lit apartment building, with half the hall lights burnt out. We got to the door and he knocked a few times, as he was slowly backing up. The door opened, and a short man was standing there staring at me

Who the hell are you?!

the new face stared at me with confusion. I looked to my left and realized Jonathan had run away, leaving me alone at this door with a man I had never met. I started to explain to the man how I came to be at his doorstep, and then I understood.

Damnit, that mother fucker owes me money, and this is how he intends to pay me back?! Come in

I stepped inside the apartment, instantly wondering where the cat was. The aroma of cat piss was stronger than my house, and I had 2 cats. Before I could ask about the cat, the new face asked me what I needed. I gave him $80 and he gave me some crystals in a bag. I had never bought a pipe before and didn’t have one on me, so I asked to use his. We stayed there smoking and talking about random shit all night. There were several roommates living there.

As I started noticing the sun was coming up, that's when it happened. The random man told me he had to go in his room, and not to follow him. He said if I heard any loud noises not to worry about it and that he was fine. Of course, when you tell me not to look, I’m going to look. I waited a few minutes and peeked my head inside.

What I saw stunned me.

The man had a belt tied around his right bicep, a needle in his left hand. I stood there and watched him insert the needle, pull back slightly, and his blood slowly mix with the clear liquid inside. Then he slowly pushed the plunger all the way down until it was gone. The belt came off, he dropped to his knees, and coughed so loud I thought he was going to faint.

I could tell he would have been furious if he hadn’t just shot himself with half a gram of dope, but the anger was mixed with a look of euphoria I had never seen in my life.

That look sold me. The cough sold me. The process sold me.

I never imagined I would shoot dope in my life, and was always terrified of needles. At this point in my life, I had done almost every common street drug known to man, heroin included. I always told myself no to the needles, but this night was different. I told myself just once, I can try it just once and never do it again.

I asked him if he could help me, as I didn’t know what to do. He initially declined, saying he would never shoot someone up for the first time. That it was against his moral code. But me, being a salesman, laid out several facts about my ability to be a frequent customer since I had a job. I didn’t have to say much more than that.

He made me promise I would not go out buying needles on my own, and warned me that this life was not what I wanted.

I was naive. I believed from the depth of my soul that I would never turn into a junkie. That I had it all figured out. He taught me how to inspect the needle, clean the dope, the quantity to inject, and how to tie off and insert. An hour after seeing someone shoot up for the first time, I myself was tying off my bicep

He put the needle in my vein, and I saw my blood slowly pour into the rig. I watched him push the plunger down all the way, and then it was out. The sheer rush and adrenaline that hit me next was unreal. I fell on the ground and couldn’t breathe. That's when I realized the cough was air coming back in the lungs. At that moment, I fell to the ground in ecstasy. In reality,

I fell to the ground and the devil himself had taken over my body, mind, and soul.

Buckle up, we’re going to hell.